12-16-2000

Flaming Projectile Gerbil

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the Gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner Andrew (Kiki) Farnom, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in." he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnom suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

TOP 11 SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY
11. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum." - Good start.
10. "As usual,Kiki shouted out "Armageddon" - They do this frequently?
(Or, at least they have done this more than once).
9. "So I peered into the tube." - I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
8. The poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem) being shot out out the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.
7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.
6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
5. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons?
I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic men who shove rodents up their butts."
2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc, it's like this. You see we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube...

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Learning From Mistakes?

A federal judge has said the federal court has no jurisdiction over the Elian Gonzales case, and his Florida family faces a deadline at noon tomorrow. The family appealed to president Clinton in India to intervene. Clinton, however, has declined. He said the last time he decided where to put a Cuban he was impeached.

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Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Pat Buchanan
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American

Dr. Seuss
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told.

Ernest Hemingway
To die. In the rain.

Martin Luther King, Jr.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Jerry Falwell
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it--the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

Grandpa
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx
It was a historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Ronald Reagan
What chicken?

Ken Starr
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the President's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Reverend Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

Captain James T. Kirk
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

Freud
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates
I have just released e-chicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of e-chicken.

Einstein
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Bill Clinton
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

Louis Farrakhan
The Road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

The Bible
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the Road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. (1 Chick 15:3-4)

Colonel Sanders
Did one get away?

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THINGS YOU WANT TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T!

1. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You !... Off my planet!
8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
9. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
10. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
11. Allow me to introduce my selves.
12. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
13. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
14. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
15. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
16. Sorry, I was trying to imagine you with a personality.
17. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
18. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
19. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
20. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
21. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? (I reek, therefore I am.)
22. Chaos, panic, and disorder -- my work here is done.
23. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
24. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
25. Why did my boss just get off a school bus?

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TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR CHILD HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREASTFEEDING

10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."
1. Beard abrasions on areola.

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 12 /16 /2000