06-17-2000

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his package. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the butler, the pool man, and your brother."

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NATURAL LAWS

1. The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

2. The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

3. The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

4. The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

6. The Law of Motivation
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

7. Boob's Law
You always find something in the last place you look.

8. Weiler's Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

9. Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

10.Law of Volunteer Labour
People are always available for work in the past tense.

11.Conway's Law
In any organisation there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.

12.Iron Law of Distribution
Them that has, gets.

13.Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.

14.Law of Drunkenness
You can't fall off the floor.

15.Heller's Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.

16.Osborne's Law
Variables won't; constants aren't.

17.Main's Law
For every action there is an equal and opposite government programme.

18.Weinberg's Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilisation.

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THE BEST OF THE BEST OF BUMPER STICKERS SEEN IN NEW YORK CITY

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute?
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots....I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
Hang up and drive.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will...I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.
Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

........And the #1 bumper sticker of the week..............

Honk If You Want To See My Finger

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President Clinton is arriving back in D.C. after a trip to his home state of Arkansas. He steps out of the plane carrying two pigs, one under each arm.
When he reaches the bottom of the stairs the Marine guard sharply salutes him as usual.

Clinton said, "I'd like to salute you back son, but as you can see my hands are full."

The Marine replied, "Yes Sir! Mighty fine pigs, Sir!"

President Clinton responded, "These aren't just ordinary pigs Marine, they are pure Arkansas Razorback Pigs!!"

The Marine replied, "Yes Sir! Mighty fine Razorbacks Sir!"

The President then responded, "I got this one for Hillary, and this one for Chelsea."

The Marine guard then replied, "Yes Sir! Good trade, Sir!"

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On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic. Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'

'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say.

'Right. Now for the other one.'

Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said.

'My God. That was even tighter.'

'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 6 /17 /2000