05-06-2000
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In The Beginning
1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those
he created the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And
God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said -
Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks
and hard disks and compact disks.
4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to
put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created
computers and called them hardware.
5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and
big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the
Memory.
6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will
make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God
showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the
volumes and sub volumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He
took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that
would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love
the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.
9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and
it was Good.
10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill
said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs ?
11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program
and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you
did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to
God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of
your mouse.
13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and
easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since
Windows could replace it.
14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the
Programmer that it was good.
15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers.
And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer
answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in
the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run
Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !
16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated
by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you.
And you will always sell Windows.
17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows
will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have
to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User
you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you
will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and
secured it with a password.
20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT
TOP
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, A
young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife (with himsel fas the beneficiary),
and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld
figure, who went by the name of "Artie". Artie explained to the husband
that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front.
The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that
rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar
as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway
grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and
proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor
unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor,
the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the
scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to
strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire
proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's
security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at thepolice station, Artie revealed the sordid
plan, including his financia larrangements with the hapless husband. And
that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"
TOP
The Polish cowboy, Gene Autrowski, is in the saloon getting drunk, so his
friends decide to play a trick on him. They turn his horse around, and
then they turn his saddle around, so he won't know.
The next morning, his wife kicks him, and says, "Time to get up, Autrowski.
Time to get up and get out on the trail."
He says, "I can't get up. I'm beat, I'm whipped, I'm bushed."
She says, "Get up, you lazy bum. You've been drunk for six weeks. Get up
and get out on the trail."
He says, "I can't get up. I'm beat, I'm whipped, I'm bushed. Last night
was different. Some son-of-a-bitch cut my horse's head off. I had to lead
him home with my finger in his windpipe..."
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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 5 /9 /2000