11-15-1999

Marriage

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-- Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
-- Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
-- Bill Cosby

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
-- Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
- Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.It's a whole different way of thinking.
-- Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburettor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
-- Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman.
Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months -I don't like to interrupt her.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and scare me half to death."

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

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Memo from the head of Aggie programming (Texas A&M University for those Non-Texans):

"Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget.
We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk,
August, September, October, November, December

As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak
Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?

We'll await your direction."

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 11/15/99