09-11-1999

A day without sunshine is like, night.

*When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
*Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
*Honk if you love peace and quiet.
*Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
*He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
*The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
*I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
*My Mind Is Like A Steel Trap - Rusty and Illegal In 37 States
*Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
*Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
*The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
*When everything's coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
*Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
*For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
*He who hesitates is probably right.
*No one is listening until you make a mistake.
*Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
*The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
*The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
*The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
*To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
*To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
*You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
*A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
*If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
*A fool and his money are soon partying.
*Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
*Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
*If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
*How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands...
*Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."
*Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
*Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
*Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
*Half the people you know are below average.
*99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
*42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
*A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

TOP

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.
He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope ... you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our ... loan?"

They got it.

TOP

Home--Jokes Homepage

Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 9/11/99