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Not very many of you folks out there know all about Texas history. Here's some of the more "colorful" moments in the archives of this great state, and some of her true characters.

Laura Bush, an amateur genealogical researcher, discovered that her husband's great-great uncle, Chadsworth Bush, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Texas in 1889.

The only known photograph of Chadsworth Bush shows him standing on the gallows.
On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Chadsworth Bush; horse thief, sent to Texas Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Texas Flyer six times.
Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

After letting George W Bush and his staff of professional image onsultants peruse the findings, they decided to crop Chadsworth's picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edit it with image processing software so that the biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press as follows:
"Chadsworth Bush was a famous rancher in early Texas history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Texas railroad...
Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.

"In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.
In 1889, Chadsworth Bush passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

And thus passed the very first "hanging Chad."



1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. This student has delusions of adequacy.

4. This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. The student sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. Student has been working with glue too much.

8. When the student's IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell.

9. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's hard to believe the sperm that created this student beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.



Double Meanings From Around The World


March Planned For Next August

Blind Bishop Appointed To See

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through

Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.

Diaper Market Bottoms Out

Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters

Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based

Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

Man is Fatally Slain

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation

Flaming Toilet Seat Causes Evacuation at High School

Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate

Police Discover Crack in Australia

Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan

Many Antiques Seen at D.A.R. Meeting

William Kelly, 87, was Fed Secretary

Collegians are Turning to Vegetables

Scientists to Have Ford's Ear

Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water

Hershey Bars Protest

County Officials to Talk Rubbish

Carter Plans Swell Deficit

Caribbean Islands Drift to Left


Why Beer is Better than God

- You can prove you have a Beer.

- There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

- You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second beer.

- Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

- When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

- They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

- No beer has ever caused a major war.

- Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

- No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

- If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

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Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 5/20/01