A LITTLE KNOWN FACT OF TEXAS HISTORY
Not very many of you folks out there know all about
Texas history. Here's some of the more "colorful"
moments in the archives of this great
state, and some of her true characters.
Laura Bush, an amateur genealogical researcher,
discovered that her husband's great-great uncle,
Chadsworth Bush, a fellow lacking in
character, was hanged for horse stealing and train
robbery in Texas in 1889.
The only known photograph of Chadsworth Bush
shows him standing on the gallows.
On the back of the picture is this inscription:
"Chadsworth Bush; horse thief,
sent to Texas Prison 1885,
escaped 1887, robbed the Texas Flyer six times.
Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and
hanged in 1889."
After letting George W Bush and his staff of
professional image onsultants peruse the findings,
they decided to crop Chadsworth's picture, scan it
in as an enlarged image, and edit it with image
processing software so that the biographical sketch
was sent to the Associated Press as follows:
"Chadsworth Bush was a famous rancher
in early Texas history. His business empire
grew to include acquisition of valuable
equestrian assets and intimate dealings
with the Texas railroad...
Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years
to service at a government facility, finally
taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.
"In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation
run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency.
In 1889, Chadsworth Bush passed away
during an important civic function
held in his honor when the platform upon
which he was standing collapsed."
And thus passed the very first "hanging Chad."
THINGS TEACHERS WOULD LOVE TO WRITE ON STUDENT'S REPORT CARD, BUT
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. This student has delusions of adequacy.
4. This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. The student sets low personal standards and then consistently
fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to
hold it all together.
7. Student has been working with glue too much.
8. When the student's IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell.
9. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
twice a week.
11. It's hard to believe the sperm that created this student beat
out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
REALLY, REALLY BAD HEADLINES
Double Meanings From Around The World
March Planned For Next August
Blind Bishop Appointed To See
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
Diaper Market Bottoms Out
Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"
Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better
20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
War Dims Hope For Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
Man is Fatally Slain
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
Death Causes Loneliness, Feelings of Isolation
Flaming Toilet Seat Causes Evacuation at High School
Defendants Speech Ends in Long Sentence
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate
Police Discover Crack in Australia
Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
Many Antiques Seen at D.A.R. Meeting
William Kelly, 87, was Fed Secretary
Collegians are Turning to Vegetables
Scientists to Have Ford's Ear
Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water
Hershey Bars Protest
County Officials to Talk Rubbish
Carter Plans Swell Deficit
Caribbean Islands Drift to Left
Why Beer is Better than God
- You can prove you have a Beer.
- There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
- You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second beer.
- Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over
his brand of Beer.
- When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying
to give it away.
- They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
- No beer has ever caused a major war.
- Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
- No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
- If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 5/20/01