01-28-2001
Home--Jokes Homepage
Texas version of "Survivor"
Rules:
Contestants have to drive from Amarillo to Tyler with a bumper sticker
that says, "I'm a gay atheist vegetarian smoker ...and I'm here to
take your guns."
If anybody gets there, they win.
TOP
A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring
him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move
there. When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the
crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater
benefits. His co worker said to reconsider. Chicago was a magnificent city,
with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public
transportation, etc. Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for
almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime
while I was working." The first asked "What did you do there?" To which the
other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."
TOP
Roger, Alvin, and John went to the rodeo. Unfortunately, a big bull jumped the fence into the spectators and they were trampled to death. Being good God fearing men, they ascended to Heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He said, "Welcome to Heaven, gentlemen. I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable here, but I must warn you what we do have our rules in Heaven. If you break them, you'll be punished. One rule is, never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, the duck quacks, then they all quack, and it just goes on and on." That sounded simple enough. They passed through the Pearly Gates and were surprised to find there were ducks everywhere!
In no time at all, Roger stepped on one. The duck quacked, then they all quacked, they made a terrible racket and it just went on and on. Pretty soon along came St. Peter with a terribly homely woman in tow. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." He chained the homely woman to Roger and said, "You will be together forever," and walked away.
Sometime later, despite his best efforts, Alvin accidentally stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, then they all quacked and made a terrible commotion that just went on and on.
Sure enough, along came St. Peter with an even homelier woman. "I warned you that if you broke the duck rule you'd be punished." With that, he chained the woman to Alvin and said, "The two of you will be together for all eternity," and walked away.
Well, John was very careful not to step on a duck. One day St. Peter came along with a drop dead gorgeous blonde. He chained her to John and said, "You will be together now and forever more," and walked away. John exclaimed, "Wow, I wonder what I did to deserve this?" "I don't know about you," said the blonde, "But I stepped on a duck!"
TOP
A duck walks into a pharmacy waddles up to the prescription counter
and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
you?". The duck replies, "Yes, I would like a box of condoms". "Why
certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would you
like me to put it on your bill?".
The duck answers, "What kind of
duck do you think I am?"
TOP
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end
up leaving together. They get back to her place
and as she shows him around her apartment
he notices that her bedroom is completely packed
with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf
all the way along the floor,
medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher,
and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman
would have a collection of teddy bears,
especially one that's so extensive, but
he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion,
as they are lying together in the afterglow,
the man rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"
The woman says,
"You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
TOP
The Three Bears (author unknown)
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking
up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my
porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into
his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody
else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from
last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into
the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who
set the table. It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box
and filled the cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided to come
down stairs and grace me with your presence....listen good because I'm only
going to say this one more time ...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I haven't made the @#*% porridge yet!!"
TOP
Home--Jokes Homepage
Page maintained by Wesley Moore. Copyright(c) Wesley Moore, 3rd. Created: 4/19/99 Updated: 01 /27 /2001